Friday, June 11, 2010
Bodies Change and I am Not My Body (rinse/repeat) and other Musings...
But really, is it liberal to have such an open mind that I would be angry or intolerant of those who didn't agree with me? And is it even liberal to simply be "tolerant"...why would I need to tolerate? How about just to accept and absorb the fact that each person has their own way of thinking, of believing, or being guided and shaped by their life and experience?
So I smiled inside, a big inner grin..and I let go. Sure, I physically allowed this woman in her Buick pass by me..and so you know, I am not rendering judgement on the Le Sabre...just mentioning it to add details to my posting...I actually own a '96 Buick Le Sabre and LOVE it. I also began to let go to some old beliefs that I somehow needed others to agree with me. It dawned on me that it's taken me a while to get to this point and that really, that need was not based in a genuine desire to help others in their journeys of enlightenment along with mine, nor was it to make the world a better place. It was rooted in my own insecurities and feelings of inadequacy.
I'm not saying I no longer have those issues. I believe most people wrestle with a lack of self esteem or self worth at times..some more than others. I was one of the "more than others" types myself. For a long time. And it led to some pretty poor decisions and crooked paths towards where I really wanted to be. But somehow, I ended up here. And here is good.
I'm currently 3 1/2 years into my holistic nutrition studies in what was supposed to be a 2 year program. Granted, last year after I completed an intensive 200 hour yoga teacher training in Pranakriya Yoga (a lineage started by Yoganand (Michael) Carroll based on Swami Kripalu's teachings), I pretty much took a year off to hone my skills as a teacher and focus more on building up my Pranalisa Yoga studio and business. I'm a firm believer that in general, there is no such thing as wasted time. I do believe, however, that part of my procrastination, besides the usual fears of change or of going outside of my comfort zone, is an underlying issue of a feeling of inadequacy...of wondering..."what can I possibly have to contribute that is different or as good as what is already out there?"
So today, my focus, and I do have one...kinda sorta. Is to cultivate a sense of self worth...with that comes so much more. The "good enough" feeling goes hand in hand with self worth, as does self esteem, confidence, and even a sense of knowing that it's truly an inside job. It's about time...I'm about 3 months away from turning 45, and I am ready now to accept things about life and growing older AND growing up emotionally and spiritually. For so long I worked from the outside in...and really it never worked. I was kicking and screaming and stomping my feet in efforts to control and sway....other people's opinions or actions, outcomes and results, my body and mind, hell...maybe even the weather or other such things that truly cannot be controlled...at least not by me.
Today, I remind myself...bodies change and I am not my body. Nor am I my thoughts. And it has to start within me in order to evolve and mature. It's an act of surrender and of self love and the knowledge that things are unfolding in the exact manner in which they are supposed to unfold. Today I remind myself, especially as I teach yoga students, practice my own yoga asanas, meet with a practice client for school, and go about my day, that I indeed have something to contribute and am not being measured or compared to anyone...even myself.
Breathing in the possibilities...releasing that which does not serve me or the universe.