blatant self promo for my etsy vintage shop

check out my etsy store when you can! i've been working on it a lot... and share with others. thanks~Lisa

Mah Jongg Memories

Some of my earliest memories include eavesdropping on my mom and her friends, listening to the hypnotic clicking sounds of mah jongg tiles floating from the living room as I drifted off to sleep. Mom will be 88 this September, marking about 70 years since she took up the game. While her memory is fading, her mah jongg skills are still sharp, and she still plays 2-3 times a week. Whenever she tells me she's "ready to go" I remind her of her mah jongg game (and all the grandkids and great grandbabies too, of course), and her eyes light up and she smiles...and looks forward to her week.

Below is a photo taken of me for an article on antiques in the Atlanta Journal. This bakelite mah jongg set caught my eye, so much in fact, that my siblings and I went back the following month and purchased it for our mom.

Reaching Out for Help

My first personal experience in giving was at around age 11 when I participated in the “Walk for Mankind."  I remember how exciting it was for me to raise money for those in need--then to participate in the walk with other kids.  Though a storm brought the event to an end a bit early, I went home exhausted and happy, and I felt that I'd done something to make a difference...to help others.  

I still enjoy being able to give to others, most recently donating my time as a yoga teacher to raise money for those in need and to offer services for those who could otherwise not afford them..raising $200 for hurricane victims and teaching at a homeless shelter truly gave me more joy than any paycheck ever did.   So this is difficult for me...now I’m the one in need of assistance, and I’m really a fish out of water! It’s hard to ask for help and I’m not experienced (unless you count the past when my mom and brothers would help me with my son or home).

An independent, self employed yoga instructor and holistic nutritionist, I have been unable to obtain substantial medical insurance and now find myself in need of complicated but necessary dental work of totaling over $15,000 in additional surgeries and prosthetics (I already spent $10,000 last year alone).  The procedure of removing nearly all my front teeth, along with extensive gum and bone grafting has begun.  Ironically I've never even had a cavity; however, my gum issues have been an uphill battle which has resulted in failed attempts to save the teeth.  This has been an eye-opening experience as I’ve learned just how important teeth are in maintaining overall health. It is truly painful for me to ask for this assistance--but I will offer my talents with yoga classes and/or nutritional counseling in exchange for your kind assistance should you wish...perhaps you know someone who has been wanting to begin yoga or to eat healthier? This could be a mutually beneficial proposition! Thank you so much for considering a donation, and please let me know if there is something I can do for you.

Below is a link to my ChipIn page.

inside out...

Yoga practitioners each come to yoga for some reason.  I just wanted to lose some weight..that's all.  Before yoga, I'd been running 2 hours nearly every day, in efforts to stay slim, hiding the damage I was doing from my weekly or daily binges.  I was ravaging my body from the inside out...and from the outside in.  It was a violence to myself and actions ground in fear.  Enter Bikram Yoga a few weeks before my 38th birthday (I'm 46 now).  After many months of a friends persistent suggestions that I try it ("uh..I need a real workout, okay?", I told her.  I'd dabbled in some yoga videos and classes about 15 years ago, but never really connected with it), I tried an intro-week of classes and a bridge from fear to joy was under construction.

Yoga is physical indeed...and it certainly is a major factor in the way I look...and yes the physical benefits are still one of the reasons I practice yoga.  But asanas, or postures/poses, are only a small tip of the vastness that is yoga.  Yes, yoga classes can help us reduce stress, and become stronger and more flexible and lose and/or maintain a healthy weight.   After 8 years of a dedicated practice, plus this past weekend's intensive classes with John Friend and several hundred other yogis and yoginis, it is becoming clearer to me that one of the most beautiful effects of my yoga practice is the power it has to infuse into my life, illuminating patterns of thoughts and behaviors.  The power of potential.  Of awareness.  Of perception (not perfection).  Of change.

This has been a challenging path to say the least; however, this nonlinear, bumpy ride has had a beauty around it since breathing in that first possibility in my first yoga class.  I never dreamed I'd be teaching or pursuing my holistic nutrition certification one day.  I just wanted to lose some weight... to sweat.  I wanted to shrink..physically, not grow emotionally or spiritually.  It's scary to change.  We get caught up in patterns (samskaras) and uncomfortable as they may be, they create deep grooves of familiarity inside and are hard to give up.  For me, the familiarity of the misery was less scary than the unknown..even if that unknown could mean living in joy and abundance.

The focus of this past weekend's event was Igniting the Center, focusing on the global shift that is taking place in our world and how that shift first must begin within us individually.  The asana practices were artistically woven around this theme, with the challenges of physically aligning the body in ways to strengthen and heal, while never losing focus on the intention of the weekend.  John began each class discussing some pretty intense concepts in terms that were understandable for the average person while honoring their complexity and importance.  Flowing through the asanas, I embraced these themes inside, on a cellular level, mentally, emotionally, and energetically, as I worked to engage my muscles, honor my alignment and intentions.  To find the stillness and joy in each pose while acknowledging what could be conceived as chaos all around is a challenge, indeed.  To welcome the light and the dark, without attaching judgment to either is a feat as well.  Perhaps one of the greatest gifts I received this weekend was the simplicity and beauty of simply enjoying savasana, or corpse pose after each practice, something I often skip in the busyness of my days and my home practice.

It's been a while since I wrote.  Life has been happening...receiving my holistic nutrition certification, dental woes (and bills), housemate transitions, a nondescript birthday, family challenges of an elderly mom,  leaving a a yoga studio where I'd worked for over 8 years, an incredible teacher training, Grounded Kids, and, if I am honest, the roller coaster ride of emotions that I now accept has been flavored with mild situational depression.  The intensive weekend of yoga workshops, practicing alongside hundreds of practitioners, clarified this process even more clearly: the dark and light doesn't necessarily equate to "good" and "bad".  While I've found myself faced with situations that bring up an old thought pattern or behavior, I've not always been successful in approaching them from an emotionally evolved lens.  In other words, old patterns can and sometimes do come back.  For me, it shows in my body and in my thoughts and actions.

This past weekend was enlightening, joyous, educational, and emotionally and physically challenging.  It allowed me to see and heal some old wounds without judgment.  It was a way to clarify and honor the shifts that have occurred and to breathe in the possibilities of the change yet to come.  Listening, learning, embracing a beginner's mind, gave me hope that it is possible to eventually clear past memories, creating new ones.  Practicing alongside hundreds of other yoga practitioners, some who had been friends for years, others who I'd never met, felt like being wrapped in unconditional love.

Yoga means I am open to changing the way I see the world.  Yoga helps to release the attachment to the "story" I've created and be open to change my perception.  I am once again reminded me that surrender is not about giving up or losing.  Surrender is about ending the war.  It all begins within.

Yoga and Politics Make for Strange Bedfellows

With a presidential election looming in the near future, I've been reflecting back to the last election and the divisive climate it procured.  Probably not since the early 60s had political opinions created such polarizing views in the United States, according to some of my friends who were old enough to remember the multitude of issues ranging from Kennedy's Catholic faith to civil rights and Vietnam.

Disclaimer:  I was born in 1965.  I wasn't around when Kennedy got shot so I have no memory of it(though I do remember what I was doing when Elvis was found dead), and I am actually not so well versed on the subject of politics in general.  In fact, my son, an accounting major at UGA has been able to debate and discuss circles around me when it comes to political and economic issues ever since about his sophomore year in high school.  However, in many ways, since I was raised by elderly parents who were depression era babies with three much older baby boomer brothers, some of the values instilled in me were a bit unconventional compared to my peers.  Many of my friends' parents were about my eldest brother's age..more like hippie era and not the WWII veteran dad who raised me.  

Still, in 2008, the first presidential election that I personally experienced as both a yoga practitioner AND a yoga teacher, I discovered that many of the core values and ideas that, to me, seemed tethered to yogic ethics and values (yamas and niyamas), weren't quite as clear cut as I had previously assumed.  My illusion that all yogis were somewhat liberal...and pardon the sterotype but I am putting it out here anyway:  tree hugging, peace demonstrating, granola crunching, hippies...was shattered that year.  I never made it a secret that I was not a George W. Bush fan, and like so many, I was ready for some sort of change to the system in the U.S. that was evidently not working for the majority of its citizens.  And yes, as the presidential race gained steam and passion, I found myself often surprised at some of the different views and opinions of family, friends and fellow yoga practitioners. 

And then I found myself entertaining feelings that were far less than yogic as well (see my last blog entry for more on my less-than-perfect, unenlightened declaration..or check me out on ELEPHANT JOURNAL feel free to comment/"like"/recommend!), and when I heard or saw views that seemed so polar opposite to my views..which of course were the "correct" ones, I often felt angry and cynical and, well, perhaps even a bit superior.  There, I said it.  I felt as if I "got it" and of course, these others...you know, people with views which differed from my views...they were clueless at best and mean-spirited, even evil, at worst.   

On more than one occasion, I witnessed bumper stickers (because we all know bumper stickers expose our beliefs like truth serum; yes I am being sarcastic, kinda) that expressed very hateful and/or racist messages riding alongside more loving, yogic messages (like namaste, for example).  As my non-yogic thoughts of crashing my car into their non-loving-bumper-sticker message floated through my monkey mind, I wondered if the driver even knew the meaning of Namaste??  And before my self-righteous indignation could get the best of me, I would attempt to shift from that mindset to wondering if my peace, love, and good vibes-professing self actually understood the meaning either.  Well...do I??
 

I don't understand a LOT: war/peace, economics, religions, climate change, politics in general, and pretty much everything that can possibly be brought up for debate.  While I know a little about most things...possibly just enough to be annoying to those who know more...I am not an expert nor would I consider myself an activist about a particular cause or issue.  I've jokingly coined my beliefs as my own religion known as "Don't Be An Asshole".  It's actually a very simple concept, though perhaps not always easy to follow as a practitioner.  What I have realized is that in order for me to truly be a member of my own congregation of fellow DBAAs, I have to actually not be an asshole.  Easier said that done. 

So, my mission, should I choose to accept, is to walk the walk that I talk.  A major part of that is to stop ASSuming.  We all have our own histories and reasons to hold certain values and beliefs.  And while it is okay to hold different beliefs and feel someone is wrong in a particular motive or belief, to hold a space in my mind and in my heart for the rights of others to have their own opinions is only right.  It's also okay to debate my position at times that are appropriate (which most likely excludes yoga classes and most family functions) and to choose to surround myself with people who share some of my core values. 

I am so grateful for yoga.  I love finding it first on a physical level and then to find that the physical benefits were just the tip of the iceberg.  I also love that yoga is so vast and deep a subject that no one really knows everything there is to know about yoga and I definitely will never know it all.  I do know, though, that it is my own side of the street that I am responsible.  Civil debates and concise presentations of one's opinions and beliefs is fine.  Judging and condemning is not. 

2012 will be here very soon.  I'm both excited and a bit nervous with the unknown future.  Not to dwell on the past or obsess on the future, I choose today to take what I have learned in the past and apply it to my actions by being less reactive and more proactive, less judgmental and more open-minded, and overall, more compassionate and respectful of each of our right to our own paths.  Regardless of who we vote for and the reasons behind these votes, can we find our commonalities and act for the greater-good?

I'd love to hear your thoughts...though please, this is NOT a political debate forum...so please, no campaigning or vilifying of one's beliefs on this page!  My friends and family know what I believe and I will be glad to discuss those beliefs in a private and civil manner if you'd like...just not here. 

Namaste Y'all!

An Unenlightened Yogini

An unenlightened yogini.  That's what I am.  I can judge, gossip, procrastinate, cuss like a sailor, act crass, be a bitch, attempt to control others, obsess on my body and food, overeat "healthy" food, overeat junk food, harbor resentment, skip my yoga practice, stay angry, act cynical, fight with my brother(s), feel insecure, and have dark thoughts.  There...I said it.  A few months shy of turning 46.  I don't know what I thought it would look like at this point of my life.

mom, circa 1942ish, around 17 yrs old

I recall a particular picture of my mother holding me as a small child..she was probably around 43 or 44; I was 3 or 4.  She seemed so grown up..so matronly.  I'm nothing like that.  She had her hair all big and hair-sprayed and coifed and wore a conservative polyester outfit.  Mom had porcelain skin which became a trademark in my family...gracing most of the women in my family from my cousins and aunts to myself...and despite the lack of wrinkles and the youthfulness she still possessed, she had a grown up, matronly appearance.  Maybe it was the shock of having another child..me..the first girl and the youngest of four children...I can only imagine being 40 years old with a newborn and 3 boys aged 10-16.  And I thank God(dess) that today, I am the proud single-parent of one incredibly bright and wonderful adult son.

a favorite pic of my son at around age 11 or so, he threw the hammerhead back, by the way!

Fast forward over 45 years to today.  I definitely am not what mom bargained for.  I'm not what I bargained for either.  And this is not a whiny, complaining entry on my blog.  It's actually one written after a few days of tossing around some thoughts in my head and realizing I better liberate them for my own good.  

As a yoga teacher and budding holistic nutritionist, I've put myself out into the world, often feeling pretty vulnerable..naked if you will.  I hadn't planned on this.  At age 20 I thought I had uncovered my passion...and I had.  My days were filled with yard sales, flea marketing, and running my antique store..eventually stores...and for many years I was very comfortable doing so.  Not that there wasn't the drama of family, relationships, and other challenges of single motherhood, health issues and life in general.  There was.  But it was comfortable discomfort  that I figured was the way it would stay.

But since growth generally involves pushing out of one's comfort zone into a discomfort zone, and nothing is permanent, life evolved.  The twists and turns of business, relationships, motherhood, and general life challenges led me to this day.  Okay, I am not going to get all maudlin here.  In fact, I have felt stronger and more positive about the present than ever and increasingly grateful as time passes.  A lovely conversation yesterday with my friendly mail carrier, whom I've known for at least 15 years or so, brought out that gratitude even more as we discussed the beauty of the day, and caught each other up on one another's lives.  We both agreed that the adage of the glass being half full or half empty was certainly applicable in life..we create our reality despite circumstances..and then I thought, no, I said: "I just love that I truly can look at things and see my glass as being about 95% full."  And then I thought to myself how truly wonderful that is.

Hence my topic today.  Perhaps one of the things I am feeling is a sense of relief.  For years I had thought that by a certain age...let's just say 45 or so...I would have figured it out.  I would have fine tuned my life to the point of some sort of state of enlightenment.  Or at least have stopped all the habits, the thoughts, the actions, of my earlier pre-yoga-practicing-and-teaching life.  And just when I think an old habit really is an "old habit"...meaning it no longer is practiced..the toxic thought or behavior rears its ugly head and brings me back in check with that damn ego which evidently is still hanging out.  My relief lies in the realization that this is okay.  It is.

Yoga is a practice of self awareness.  It's not a practice of perfection..of "nailing" a particular asana or releasing all negative emotions.  Practicing yoga is so much deeper than a physical exercise for the body.  It's about going inside.  It's not about not having a dark or shadow side..it's about acknowledging it.  Watching the breath.  Feeling the feelings.  Processing.  Accepting.  Letting go.  

Being a yoga teacher does not make me perfect or evolved or enlightened.  It may mean I have more formal training in the principles of yoga than the average yoga practitioner who does not teach yoga.  But it doesn't mean I am no longer a student.  In fact, for me, it means I am more of a student today than I was the first time I stuck my Total Yoga VHS video in the player nearly 16 years ago to take a break from my exhausting running and workout routine that left me achy and chafed. (I still recommend this video to students who cannot make a "live" class..though I am a strong believer in classes and know that a video is no substitute for a "real" class.)  And being a student means I can learn from anyone or anything...a child, a new or seasoned yoga teacher, a stranger, a situation.  Endless possiblities.

For years, I have heard that whole "life's a journey, not a destination" thing.  It's certainly not a new concept nor my original idea.  And while I have heard it, spoken it, shared it with friends and students, and even sometimes believed it, still, my ego often edged its way inside my thoughts in attempts to tell me "sure, but one day, Lisa, you will arrive, and X will cease to be an issue for you."  I guess I hoped that somehow by wanting and wishing and doing more classes and jumping through whatever hoops life threw me, that I would be some sort of exception and reach some sort of enlightened state.

In this moment, I feel liberated.  I hereby declare I am unenlightened.  I like it here.  Before I began a dedicated yoga practice, I felt like a hamster on a wheel going nowhere...I had so much drama and negativity in my life in many ways and didn't know how to dig out of the hole I'd crawled into.  My world felt so small.  I felt stuck.  Today, I get to spend most of my time doing things I love...teaching yoga (www.pranalisa.com), researching for my thesis as I finish my holistic nutrition degree from Hawthorn University, running my online vintage jewelry business, Family Jewels (www.familyjewels.us), and, when I am really lucky, getting a few moments to connect with my son, who has grown into an amazing and bright adult.

Today, I feel very unstuck.  Yes, I still sometimes am catty, jerky, pissed off, and say or do things that probably should have been left unsaid or undone.  The cool thing is that I am not waiting anymore.  I'm here...not arrived...but I am here and I feel the pause in between my breaths....sometimes.  The world seems very big.  Scary, uncertain, unstable at times.  Yet, still, I feel in a state of surrender.  At least today.  

The world didn't end last month as Harold Camping had predicted...don't worry, he claims it's happening in October in case you're disappointed.  Regardless, even if the world does end in my lifetime, I still will trudge along, willingly, with awareness and even a bit of excitement.  With surrender, I also feel a sense of willingness and encouragement to continue on a never ending path of growth and evolution and hope I can continue to embrace the whole experience, warts and all.

Being unenlightened means no more chasing some ideal of perfection.  It means I can savor the moments, embrace the changes, find the pause, be the student, release guilt and shame and disappointment, screw up sometimes, enjoy a comfort zone then go past it a bit, and be human.  And most of all...get to just be.

When I Know Better I Do Better

A few days ago, I came across a free online movie and after watching as much as I was emotionally capable of watching, I posted the link on my facebook page.

Earthlings Website to watch Movie for Free

From their site: 
"EARTHLINGS is a powerful and informative documentary about society’s treatment of animals, narrated by Joaquin Phoenix with soundtrack by Moby. This multi-award winning film by Nation Earth is a must-see for anyone who cares about animals or wishes to make the world a better place."

This is not a fun movie.  It's doubtful that many can watch this and leave feeling especially good or upbeat.  Also, in the spirit of full disclosure and honesty, I want to clearly state that I am not a vegetarian nor a vegan nor does adhering to a vegan diet appear to be the healthiest choice for my own body type/biochemical individuality.  I am working on my thesis towards my certification as a holistic nutrition consultant and educator and am not suggesting that everyone on the planet adopt one particular way of eating or living.  My studies, along with my own personal journey around health, food, diet, and nutrition, have helped me to increase my awareness and form more educated opinions; however, I realize that we each have our own journeys to follow. 

For me, my mantra is simply:
When I know better, I do better.

 After posting the Earthlings movie link, comments followed ranging from making light of the movie and possibly suggesting the makers had an agenda to only "bash" the "bad" animal owners (or eaters or wearers) to simply being so sickened by the entire subject matter that they couldn't even make it through the movie trailer.  Regarding the one commenter who seemed to make light of the posting, suggesting, tongue-in-cheek I'm sure, a sequel to the movie showing graphic kindness to animals, my reply was that I felt he was missing the point and needed to acknowledge that these evils do exist here on planet Earth and rather than get defensive or flippant about the subject, perhaps gleaming some awareness and knowledge about the ugly truths that exist can lead to some positive changes. 

My response was as follows (names omitted to protect anonymity):
"Perhaps you need to ask yourself..what are YOU doing to support treating animals with respect? Do you eat out much? What criteria do you use before choosing where to eat...price, quality, sourcing of food? (Cakes and Ale, Miller Union, Sprig Restaurant..ALL places who serve as much local organic food as possible..their prices are pretty much in line with most steakhouses and the meats are generally grass fed. Farm Burger serves only grass fed animal products..a burger is $7 and up, approx...would you spend $10-$15 on a burger or would you sooner buy a cheaper burger regardless of the source to save $$??)

You ask about the "sequel" yet your comment fails to even acknowledge the problem. What is the percentage of meat that you eat that IS humanely raised? 0%? 5%? 50%? I would think that the cruelty is so prevalent that there is much more out there showing that aspect than of your "graphic kindness to animals" reference.

Yes, there IS kindness to animals too...unfortunately many people would rather remain ignorant to the truth and make jokes or stick their heads in the sand.

Again, I am not preaching veganism nor vegetarianism. I have been and am sure I still am part of the problem at times. I am simply urging people to BE AWARE and then act with knowledge and a conscious.

And by the way...many vegans are eating crap, processed, sugary, junk foods which ALSO add to the problem...Staying and getting sick is also a problem...creates the need for more drugs which in turn leads to animal testing and cruelty as well. All the soy that many vegans and vegetarians consume is horrible for our health too..genetically modified crops are doing unknown damage to our planet and its "earthlings"...

Knowledge is power. When we know better we (should) do better."

A good friend of mine made an excellent point:
"this film exists because people do not want to pay attention,the trailor is so profoundly heartbreaking that if everybody actually watched it, and allowed themselves to feel the horror, these practices could no longer continue...it is our c...omplacency that has created this shameful nightmare...I agree with you Lisa, and do my very best to buy humanely raised meat, but it is also very hard to know for sure. We stopped eating red-meat-mammals a few years ago because I couldn't be sure..."


The movie covered many more subjects than simply what we are eating.  It approached animals in general, including the human ones...all of us inhabitants of the Earth:  Earthlings...and how we treat one another..from the homeless animal situation to how we get leather...factory farming was just one of many parts the movie touched upon.

On my facebook page, I also included a link to an article about a "good slaughter":



I actually severed a friendship as a result of that posting from a friend who failed to see my point, which was to punctuate the difference in how a factory farm animal is so inhumanely raised and slaughtered, versus a more humane, in my opinion, way to end an animal's life...a way that minimizes the pain and suffering.  He not only vilified slaughtering any animal for consumption...which, to be honest, I certainly understand that point of view and do not personally embrace the idea that I eat, though minimally, some animal sources of food...but he also vilified people who were not vegetarians as well. However, he had no problem with consuming factory farmed dairy products, citing religious reasons, and he refused to acknowledge that most dairy cows live short, miserable, cramped lives hooked up to machines while the males end up becoming veal since they are not needed. 

One of my favorite comments was this one:
"Kudos for a "change in consciousness!" We all gotta start somewhere! And that localharvest.org link rocks. You can find a CSA, there, too. ☼"

Basically, we all have effects to others around us, humans and non-humans. And it's a fact that cruelty exists in the world and it probably is not going to cease to exist in this moment.  However, being open to possibilities, becoming educated, aware, and proactive, can all lead to positive change.  It may be tiny baby steps...just pick something..anything...that you are willing to do that can be an act of kindness, fairness, compassion.  I have one friend who volunteers at animal shelters.  I have many friends who are strictly vegetarian and/or vegan, some who only allow themselves to eat fish, and still others who not only hock family heirlooms to pay for surgeries for rescue dogs, but also avoid eating or wearing any animal products.

Me? I have three rescue animals and avoid factory farmed animal products.  I eat a predominantly plant based diet and I work at knowing where my food comes from...I do not eat fast food and eat out rarely.  I do what I am willing to do for now and as I learn more and become more mindful and aware, I'm sure what I am willing to do to make a difference, ever so small, will change.

What can you do NOW to be part of the SOULution?

Tattoos and Toenails: Speculations, Conspiracies, Doubts, and Judgments

Tattoos and Toenails: Speculations, Conspiracies, Doubts, and Judgments: "Wow. What a week...or month..or two! From the earthquakes and radiation, the tornadoes that ravished through the southeast, killing so m..."

Speculations, Conspiracies, Doubts, and Judgments

Wow.  What a week...or month..or two!  From the earthquakes and radiation, the tornadoes that ravished through the southeast, killing so many in their path to the shocking turn in world events regarding Osama Bin Laden...add that to the myriad of issues that seem to me to be increasingly polarizing...the environment, the economy, human rights, workers' rights, politics, health, what we eat, products we buy, and yes, even the most recent royal wedding..the list goes on.  Even subjects like yoga, a practice that has evolved from a casual interest in my life to a passion and vocation, have become controversial, evoking conflicting opinions from what is the "best" or "correct" styles to religious and dogmatic implications. 

I find myself, in my mid-forties-quickly-sliding-closer-to-fifty, realizing that so little is a "given" in this world..no matter what I may have thought for the past forty-plus years.  Once again I am reminded:  "the older I get, the more I know the less I know"...and you can correctly quote ME on that. 

Living in the metro Atlanta area and mercifully spared from the destruction of the storms last week, I personally felt an overwhelming sense of gratitude and perspective mixed with sympathy and sorrow.  Only an hour or so north of my home, tornadoes ripped through towns and flattening all it their path.  Such a close call.....it felt as if we dodged a huge bullet..and we did.  Many of my close friends and I rode an emotional roller coaster ride that evening, preparing for the worse, hoping for the best, and watching the weather reports until we felt it was safe to finally go to sleep without fear of a twister ripping through our homes.  After several hours glued to the computer and TV, a little after midnight, an explosive thunder and lightening bolt touched down around what felt like a foot away from my bedroom window, followed by about 15 minutes or so of pounding rain, and then it was over.  I went to sleep feeling safe and warm and at the time, unaware of the fact that hundreds of people frighteningly close to Atlanta had lost their lives...and MANY more had lost homes and belongings. 

In the dark cool hours before the sun rises, I often find myself sitting at my laptop, sipping tea and contemplating about the day ahead.  My sweet mutts and big orange tabby generally rally around me waiting for their breakfast or a walk while I catch up on emails, study for school, and check the news and facebook.  It feels very peaceful and quiet, and all the turmoil swirling around the world seems so detached from my life.  But it really isn't.  Whether I feel it or not in the moment, we are all connected.  My initial feeling of peacefulness and connection, though, of late, has been compromised with an overwhelming feeling of information overload and confusion..and frustration even.  More than ever, polarizing views, often inflammatory and judgmental opinions, dogma of all sorts seem to prevail.  Topics that were once a given, now are up for debate and criticism.  Is this just a natural universal shift of increasing awareness and mindfulness?  Or is it a sign of disillusionment or even of a sinister nature?

I don't know the answers.  I do know that in my own journey of growth a common mantra has been: "When I know better, I do better."  Growing up on Big Macs and frozen dinners and canned food, along with witnessing my father's lung cancer diagnosis and subsequent death when I was 20, led me to learn about health and nutrition, and now I am nearly certified as a nutritional consultant from Hawthorn University.  I learned a long time ago not to automatically trust information just because it was fed to me via the news or government.  My belief is that the USDA and FDA and many large corporations such as Monsanto and many (most) pharmaceutical companies have only their best interests..ie..$$$$..in mind and certainly not the best interests of the general public.  The current debate over vaccinations and autism continues with conflicting studies and opinions, as well as the dangers (or not) of genetically modified foods and pesticides, plastics, and so on.  The list is seemingly endless. 

Today we have access to more information than ever before, and we are bombarded with it.  The internet has exposed me to information about the horrors behind how we get bananas, wool, chocolate, and even computer parts and flowers.  It's great to be aware and learn, though it can certainly be daunting.  No action is without some sort of consequence somewhere.  Just being alive is going to leave a footprint that is invariably going to be stomping on top of someone or some thing.  It's unavoidable.

And on top of all this knowledge, some believe that nothing we hear is true.  Just in the past 2 or 3 days, I have heard conflicting theories about 911, Obama's birth certificate, Osama Bin Laden, HAARP, chemtrails, and more.  It makes my head spin...and hurt.  And right when I have formed an opinion, another view comes to light and I wonder if I should entertain it at all or simply choose to avoid spending any time or energy on it. 

What I do find is this...ultimately, giving too much headspace to all these issues is counterproductive and immobilizing for me.  I'm guessing it is for some others too.  I repeat, I don't know the answers.  I don't know if there is a plot, as one of my friends believes with all her heart, that there are secret societies that control our government and news with sinister plans against humanity.  I don't know if Osama was actually killed 10 years ago, the other day, or if he is still alive somewhere.  I don't know the definitively best way of living or eating for all of the planet.  I do know that the scope of what I don't know is way larger than what I do know.

I've come to a few conclusions:
1: There is no ONE way that works for every living being on the planet and it is not my place to judge others' decisions.
2: Most issues have many shades of gray and are not simply black/white, right/wrong, or healthy/unhealthy.
3: Most of us (I include myself) have mindsets that are often already set and will hear what they want to hear.
4: Living in a state of fear of the unknown is not productive for anyone.
5: Having a healthy concern and curiosity for knowledge is not the same as being fearful or being a consipracy theorist.
6: Being a skeptic and being a cynic are not the same thing...though some can be both.
7: Keeping an open mind and working toward making positive choices daily and surrendering that for which I have no control is a huge key to my happiness.
8: I can either go crazy and live in a scary world, only focusing on negative, destructive thoughts, or I can make it a priority to live in the moment, at least for today.
9: I will never know all the answers.
10: If I ever do know all the answers...whatever that means..most likely it won't happen during this lifetime.

For today, reflect for a moment.  Are you living in fear or do you have a sense of peace?  Are you willing to take at least one step today towards achieving some peace, or contentment with you and your connection to the universe? 

Tear Infused Beauty

 So I'm driving down the road and a feeling of overwhelming heaviness overcame me...tears started welling up in my eyes.  By the time I careened into my driveway and parked, the dam broke and the waterfall washed over me.  Cathartic and cleansing, yet surprising to me..it was more than crying; bawling really.  Rare.  I sat in my reliable 98 Camry, comfortable on my well worn (well, torn) leather seats, the sunroof open to let the sun coat me in her rays while I bawled.  The contrast of my life in that moment and the suffering happening in Japan so blatantly unfair and painful..it was nearly too much to bear.  I'm not one to embrace guilt or worry as viable means of coping as I find both generally nonproductive, if not harmful.  However, guilt came to mind..or at least the hint of guilt..as a wave of emotions infused my very being.  Sad, helpless, pissed, hopeless, scared, worried, fearful even...all understatements describing my feelings.  And it wasn't just the tsunami..or the earthquakes..or the erupting volcano..or the explosion and possible impending meltdown at the nuclear power plant.  Perhaps all those events added to what has already been a challenging time of economic uncertainty and political unfairness for the world....unrest.

I'm actually a very positive and upbeat person who loves being a yoga teacher, studying nutrition, selling vintage jewelry and being a mom to an awesome healthy 21 yr old college boy.  I seek and see the good in nearly all situations.  Even during the 7 weeks or so that my elderly (and very depressed and difficult) mother lived with me up until a few weeks ago, I was able to smile and be of service most of the time.  I'm not even close to being perfect, and I share many thoughts and articles and information with my friends and acquaintances that I have found to be helpful to me..subjects near and dear to my heart: nutrition, holistic health, yoga, food and body issues, and more.  I share these things because I figure if it helps me, maybe it can help someone else as well.  I'm not ashamed to be the flawed and imperfect human that I am.  I'm grateful. 

Spring is here.  Nearly every room in my home, including my yoga studio has an amazing view of a huge white flowering tree that, for eighteen seasons now has symbolized not just the change or seasons, but also the joy of the moment and hope for the future.  Today that tree is truly in its glory, faithful to me as I sit here enjoying it as I write.  My son is home for spring break, the dogs and cat are all happy and lounging in rays of sunlight..outside for a while, now inside, and I have been able to do what I love...teaching yoga classes.  It's a brilliant pre-spring day in Atlanta...daffodils, hyacinths, tulip poplars...bursting open all over.  Kids playing in the yards, people jogging and riding their bikes, hanging out at parks...to imagine the contrast of the experience of people in Japan at this moment.  Or Libya.  Or of anyone who is suffering anywhere on the planet.  The homeless person.  The family losing their home or job.  Not comparing one event with the other....just reflecting and finding the challenge to settle into gratitude without the infusion of guilt or sorrow or worry.

Life is good. 

Yet, it's just been especially challenging to embrace the uncertainty of life and of the world lately.  And I find myself with a tinge of guilt wondering if I'm being untrue to my yoga..not the asanas..physically I practice nearly every day.  Yoga, however, is so much more.  It's what I do when I am not on my mat.  It's my thoughts, my intentions, my actions.  To dwell on negative or allow situations to affect me so deeply and intensely..to take it on and feel fear..all rare for me.  But I am human.  Being true to myself and to my feelings is my true nature.  And sometimes those feelings ebb and flow in ways that are not my control.  To ignore them would be a lie. 

I came across this helpful article earlier: A Buddhist Response to the Japan Tsunami

Crying felt good the other day.  Today I am embracing the beauty and imperfections, allowing tears to flow if they appear, and connecting with my inner peace and serenity. 

That Damn "Not a Destination" Crap..and RIP Jack LaLanne

2011 has barely begun and already my southern neighbors and I have survived the most intense ice storm Atlanta has seen on over a decade.  Many of us set resolutions and have high expectations each year around this time, only to set the bar so high that we quickly either lose momentum or become disappointed, falling short of achieving these lofty goals.

With yoga, however, we learn to let go of the goals and instead, set intentions to focus on the moment and to find contentment and grace in the process.  Sure, it may be a cliché, yet it is true...life IS a journey...not a destination.  In my twenties, I had all sorts of expectations on what my life should look like.  I made many less than ideal decisions based on these expectations.  Shortly before my 30th birthday, I was faced with some health challenges...as a single mom with a small child, I was in fear and made drastic changes as a result.  While my health improved, the fear based motivation eventually backfired, and in my late 30s, I found myself again at a crossroads.  This is when I accidentally found yoga...I say accidentally because I had no idea that showing up at a Bikram class in hopes of dropping a few pounds would result in yoga being my new path and vocation. 

Now, in my mid 40s, I realize more than ever that there is no final place when the work ends...it's ALL a process.  The moment lies in the space in between each breath....that's where the magic happens.  Yoga is a vehicle to find this space.  It's not the way...however, it is the way that resonated for me..and for so many others.  I'm not "there" yet.  Yoga helps me find my voice...the one that my students hear and the inner voice of truth that, when I truly am still and can listen, tells me exactly what I need to hear (even when it is not what I want to hear!).

Today I'm faced with a few challenges..an elderly mother who can be very stubborn (so that's who I got it from!), a sore mouth from gum surgery last week (delving within to find gratitude for being able to take care of my medical needs, painful as it may be), and other growing pains around various choices and situations that I have created. 

Right before I went to sleep last night, I read about the passing of Jack LaLanne, the 96 year old fitness icon and guru who I had, prior to the news, thought would outlive most of us.   Ahead of his time, Jack discussed topics such as sugar addiction and the mind-body connection over half a century ago in the early 1960s, way before doctors or the mainstream would broach such subjects.  He was and continues to be an inspiriation to me, and serves to punctuate the idea that we are not here to simply reach some sort of lofty goal and then rest.  Instead we are these spirits who grow and learn and serve and enjoy, constantly changing and moving.  When we cease to learn, we cease living...regardless of whether or not our heartbeats continue.  Jack surely lived a full life until the very end.  I'm grateful to have such a fine example of a humble and strong individual.  Rest in peace Jack...though I have a feeling Jack's still of service somewhere to someone....just not on a dimension that most can see.




One of my favorite videos of Jack:




And here is one I just saw for the first time:



Namaste...Jack and all.

New Year's Day is just a Day....

For the record, I am quite likely one of the closest things to the polar opposite of a "Debby Downer" you may meet.  Not unrealistic or naïve, mind you...more like the kind of person who works at being positive as much as possible.  I'm not always succesful.  Being human does that...all that imperfectionism and all. 

Which brings me to the whole, often anticlimactic, expectation oriented "New Year's Resolution" mind set that seems to be such an overlying theme every year around this time.  For many years, I was a victim to this type of thinking, and, in fact, I can easily fall back into it if I'm not mindful of the moment and my own reality. 

I am not judging nor criticizing those who use the arbitrary date of January 1st as a time of beginning anew.  If it works for someone, then I think that is awesome and it should be implemented wholeheartedly.  For me, though, well, history shows that it has rarely worked and often has led me to failure.  Additionally, my observations of others around this time shows that my experience is fairly common.  All those January months over the years at the gym or yoga studio where classes were overfilled and exercise equipment had waiting lists of people who were, once and for all, going to get fit....the same people who, for the months prior, had been indulging in lifestyle  habits that were far less than optimal while proclaiming "after the new year, I am going to get in shape and make some changes!"  Hey, I know...I've been this person.  Of course, these are often the same people who by February, if not earlier, had sunk back into the old habits...a misnomer since "old" would imply they are no longer practiced.  Evidently they once again are "current habits". 

Again, I speak from my own experience both as the "old habits" practicing New-Year's-Resolutioner and the observers of friends and acquaintances who seem to have similar patterns. 

Twenty five years ago today, my father passed away, and for many years after, I would get depressed and indulge in behaviors that were self destructive and unhealthy.  Every year I set myself up for this type of failure, until one year, after the Jewish calendar Yahrzeit anniversary, which was never on the same day two years in a row, I realized that my mindset was a decision based on a man-made and quite random day each year.

So, today, and each day...no, make that each moment...is a new one...a chance, an opportunity to decide to create the life and reality I want.  Sure, it's great to have goals and intentions, and if January 1st works for you, then I am certainly not going to condemn that decision.  However, for me, it has shown to add to self judgment, even resentment, and as 2011 begins, much in the manner that 2010 began 365 days ago, I will once again begin my day with the same intention as I do pretty much everyday....to have the intentions and willingness to take actions towards that will lead to a place of optimal health on all levels.

One more thing..if you DO set resolutions, please remember...you are human.  Each moment is precious and unique and everything generally will eventually work out.   Beating ourselves up for being imperfect or judging our actions or even worse, our SELVES as failures is never a good practice and will not lead us to the results we deserve.  A new moment, day, or year can be at ANY moment day or time you choose. 

Now...just praying that there are NO more half price sales on Ben and Jerry's...and praying for the willingness to set positive intentions to align myself with all things that serve me best!

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Much Love and Light

On the Surface

It's been what seems like forever since I last wrote here...so many great topics have fluttered through my mind.  My monkey mind...so much so, that I haven't been able to latch onto one theme long enough to feel fuly inspired.  Today, however, I some thoughts finally seemed to congeal somewhat.  So here I am.

In the current political climate, which seems increasingly intertwined with religious and core values, science, and basic personality differences, I find myself often vacillating somewhere between a pure yogic state of serenity and non judgment to downright frustration and even anger.  I strive to be of service to others and have more than tolerance....compassion and acceptance.

I'm successful at these intentions most of the time.  And I am human and my ego shows up at times too.  Yes, I'm very much human.  I admit it...sometimes my opinions shift all the way over to judgment...not a very enlightened state of being, to say the least.

I recently engaged in a discussion with someone who proclaimed authoritatively that buying organic food was a luxury and someone who received government assistance should not be able to enjoy such a luxury.  As someone pursuing my holistic nutritional consultant certification as well as a liberal minded individual with much more left than right leaning tendencies, I view an organic diet not only as an individual's right, but as a way to be healthier, thus reducing potential medical expenses in the long run.  Furthermore, I don't think it is anyone's right make that decision for someone else whether or not that person is on welfare or food assistance.  Whatever it may appear like on the surface is not the whole story.  Other recent debates included judgments of a woman buying electric curlers who was also on welfare and a medicaid patient with gold teeth.  My feeling?  I'm not them...I don't know their story nor is it my business. If people are allowed to decide what is a luxury or a maximum limit to a particular item, then who sets the limits and at what amounts?  Do I get to vote on what kind of car or home someone gets to own if they are also receiving some sort of financial aid from the government?

Not only do I feel it is wrong to be judgmental and view others on the surface appearances, I also am willing to be a compassionate and open minded citizen who would hopefully be compassionate and understanding.  My father instilled a sense of the Golden Rule in me from a very young age and it always stayed with me.  I certainly am not above needing help myself one day, and I hope others can give me a chance if so.

I have strong convictions with these thoughts...these opinions.  They are core values of mine and while i want them to be respected, I also have to extend that same respect and work towards non-judgment towards those who don't agree.  It's simple really...though darn, for me...it is not always easy!

I view much (maybe most; maybe all?) of life as a test.  And all experiences, situations, and people with whom I come into contact are generally all there for some sort of reason or learning experience.  Friends, old and new, housemates, fellow yoga practitioners and teachers, acquaintances...all little life lessons in the making.  Being vulnerable despite the potential pain...going out of my comfort zone only to reset that zone.  One lesson I've learned is that it is generally not about me;  in fact, I think I'll be so bold as to say it is definitely not about me.  I think often many of us, myself included, often only look at the surface of a person or situation.  It's natural.  Checking out the book cover to see if you want to read the book. Judging.  It applies to so much and most people are guilty of it.  Recent discussions on a political nature have made it even clearer to me how people judge.  And rather than point my finger at them to somehow elevate my own ego, which, by the way, is damn tempting, I have to pause and realize that this is simply a mirror for my own judgmental nature.

A recent housemate and I, who sometimes clashed due to, in my opinion, our similarities rather than our differences, taught me much about respecting others' paths to their own growth and enlightenment.  It showed me that I don't have to defend or fight so much to get my viewpoint across (no matter how right I may think I am)...they deserve their own path, as do I.  We each have our own story, our own history and experiences which shape us, so how dare I be so arrogant as to assume my mindset is superior.  If we could only look at people and somehow see a bit beneath the surface...their pain, their story...then maybe the judgments or simple "tolerance" would cease...and compassion and acceptance would prevail.

Years ago when I had an antiques store, a group of people walked in.  When I happily greeted them, they seemed to ignore me.  My immediate reaction was to judge them as rude and inconsiderate people.  Then they turned around and I could see that they were deaf and were signing at each other rather than talking.  I remember thinking then how wrong I was to be so quick to assume the worse...making this about me and how it affected my feelings, without even knowing the whole situation.  So, when the guy who pulled out in front of me in traffic the other day started honking at me, even though clearly I was already in the road and certainly not in the wrong...rather than get upset, I instantly looked a little beneath the surface of the situation and figured that maybe he had a rough day, a fight with his wife or coworker, a sick kid...something.  But it definitely was not about me.

I recently contacted two old and dear friends who I'd had partings with.  I stuck out an olive branch and neither responded.  I can't say I know what's beneath the surface...and I cannot say a different outcome would have been desirable to me.  I can, however, say that I did my part and have to leave the rest to the universe.  And it's not about me.

I think we all judge at times.  For me, the answer to stopping with the judging of others is to first stop with the judging and comparing of ourselves.  Then the compassion comes in.  And acceptance.  And the willingness to acknowledge that below the surface, things often tell a very different story than the initial view.  Will you take a moment to pause to allow that process?  Will you find compassion within for yourself?  If not, how can you find it for others?  We each have our own paths to follow.....

Namaste~

The Pink Elephant in The Room

Greetings.  I debated writing about this in light of the current Breast Cancer Awareness month, but I just could not remain silent any longer.  I get it.  Breast cancer.  The big "C".  I know that according to statistics, about one in every eight woman in the United States will be diagnosed with breast cancer at some point in her life. I'm 45...I have been out with girlfriends and thought that in our group, it would be a rare thing if at least one of us didn't have to personally address this diagnosis.

So, for years, we have walked, run, purchased products with pink ribbons, worn pink ribbons, donated time and money and energy in efforts to "Race for the Cure" or at least, increase awareness.  While i respect and agree with the idea of increasing awareness and perhaps even eliminating breast cancer entirely, I cannot simply sit idly at the sidelines anymore.  I've raced and raised money.  I have the T shirt to prove it.  But no longer. 

It's October, the traditional month for breast cancer awareness, and this year I want to increase awareness of the "pink scam" that has been going on for years.  Not only do the many companies who place a cute little pink ribbon on their products in efforts to "increase awareness", while simply pocketing the revenue, nothing going towards actual research; but the actual companies who are behind the breast cancer industry is run by pharmaceutical companies and corporations who PROFIT by breast cancer treatments.   And don't even get me started on the crazy campaign regarding Kentucky Fried Chicken and their "Pink Bucket" , who, with Susan B Komen are teaming up..ironic how it is overlooked that the toxic, inhumanely raised chemical laden chickens, deep fried, pesticide laden non-food like substances sold by KFC are very likely some of the contributing factors to the ever growing epidemic of breast cancer in our society.  Yes, I admit it: this pisses me off.

I was recently in the waiting room at my mom's geriatric doctor's office and noticed a magazine, sponsored by a mainstream medical association, which focused on breast health and cancer.  While mentions of self examinations, mammograms and drugs where made, not  one  mention of contributing factors such as phtalates, excitotoxins, pesticides, diet or holistic treatments (alternative or integratitive) were to be found. 

I think it is terrific to be aware, concerned, and proactive; I just think we have been duped as a society into donating a lot of time and money to hypocritical companies which are not only adding to the contributing factors of breast cancer, but also who have a conflict of interest and make their money by selling drugs to treat breast cancer.  The focus and money needs to go to breast cancer..or make that just plain cancer prevention and corporations like Ford, major drug companies, and KFC should be seen for what they really are: profit driven giants whose intentions are simply misguided and possibly even harmful.

OK....I'll shut up.  For now. 
Namaste~Lisa

Always the Student (or...Countdown to the Big 5-0..only 3 wks/5 Years to Go!)

The more I know the less I know.  Profound, eh?  In a few short weeks, I will have finished my 45th circle around the sun.  Uh...in other words, I'll be hitting that ambiguous man made secular calendar year of 45 years old.  This is not what I thought 45 would be like...then again, since my memory serves, I cannot say I ever had an accurate perception...or preconception...of a particular way to be based on my belly button birth. In case you're wondering who the sexy broad in the picture is, it is Pearl, my mom, who will turn 85 4 days after my birthday.  Oh...she's the one on the left.


One function of birthdays is to allow an individual to reflect on his or her life...decisions, directions, milestones, mistakes, progress, lessons, ups and downs, fond and not so fond memories.  While I don't place a tremendous amount of focus on my birthday and haven't for quite some years, still, every September, I find myself taking a bit of an inventory on life, relationships and family.  This year, as I approach the middle of this fourth decade of being in this body, I cannot help but feel a rush of energy, excitement even, at the possibilities and flow I've been experiencing.

So, rather than waxing endlessly, searching for profound slogans and groundbreaking revelations, I'll cut right to what's on my mind, citing a few of the lessons and insights that have made or are making an impact on my life today.  I write this for myself...your results may vary. 

1: Every person or situation can be a great opportunity for me to learn and grow, even when it doesn't seem so at first.

2: It really is a journey and not a destination.

3: I love being at a point in my life where I get to become more aware.  All changes and growth must first be preceded by awareness.

4: Friends and family are important and I am so grateful for the loving people I have in my life who provide me with a safety net.

5: Having compassion for those less fortunate...those without a safety net of friends and family, perhaps...is a gift.

6: I love my body, not for being perfect, but for being perfectly imperfect...and strong and healthy and powerful...and for giving my spirit and soul a place to live for all these years.  Bodies change and I am not my body.

7:  I am not my thoughts either.

8:  I am learning to be a better listener.  This is a good thing. 







9:  Debating or judging those who do not subscribe to the same values as I is like banging my head against the ground in hopes of curing my headache...ie...it's futile and counterproductive.  (yes, I made that up...)

10: I'd rather be remembered for my acts of compassion and kindness than anything else...washboard abs, tons of moolah in the bank, or performing some amazing "perfect" yoga pose is awesome...but all pales compared to just being a nice person who treats others with respect and dignity and service.  

11: Sometimes I act with the maturity of a 12 year old.  I can live with that.

12: Being human and sometimes forgetting all the things above is okay.  It means I am human.  It means I am still learning.  Even when I think I am not learning, I usually find out I am anyway.

13: Beating myself up for falling into behaviors that don't serve me doesn't serve me.  And beating myself for beating myself is not necessary either.

My monkey mind is still wandering, so I will stop for now...besides, 13 is a lucky number!  There's so much more, but sometimes, less is more (oooh, that could be #14) .  But my school studies and yoga mat calls.  It's a lovely overcast Sunday in Decatur, a hint of autumn in the air...complete with a sleeping cat, a couple of lazy mutts, a new friend/housemate who inspires me, and tons of possibilities for the moment. 

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PS:  Mark your calendars for September 2015 for my big 5-0...there will be a yoga class as a gift to all my friends plus food, fun, and love donations to be accepted for the charity or organization of your choice.  Reminders will be sent as the date approaches. Namaste

Family Ties: Uncle Sol

So I am sitting here thinking it is time to write something on my blog, trying to think of something incredibly poignant or clever or funny...something.  Oh sure, when I'm running errands or in a yoga class or walking down the street, all sorts of witty and insightful thoughts pass by, and by the time I get to a computer or to an archaic pencil and paper, the thoughts have passed into oblivion.

It's July.  Hot as hell in Atlanta.  Possibly quite literally...not that I subscribe to the belief of the existence of hell anyway, at least not in the biblical or religious sense...my dad always told me we create our own heaven and hell right here on this Earth during our lives.  I tend to agree.  I've been to this hell...the one of my own creation...gratefully, I survived and am back to tell the story.  I've actually been meaning to write for a while, but the words have evaded me.  Maybe I have too many things going on in my life, or not enough, or I'm truly the unofficially-diagnosed ADD child I've joked of being for so long.  No matter...I'm here.  Now.  And really, that's all that matters.

A couple of weeks ago, my 90 year old uncle, a true patriarch of my family and someone I truly thought would live forever, or at least a few more years, went to the hospital to have tests run, and he never left...Sunday he was joking and playing poker with his family from his hospital bed; Wednesday he took a turn for the worse after contracting a staph infection and never came back.  He died late Wednesday night.  Uncle Sol was one of three of my mother's brothers, and the last one still alive until this past June.  The oldest of 3 boys, Sol outlived George (nicknamed Gorgeous George due to his movie star good looks) by only about 2 months and Max (Uncle Maxie to those who knew and loved him, my mother's twin), who died a week shy of his 80th birthday September 2005.  Sol and George were only about 14 months or so apart in age; George would have been 89 years old had he lived one more week. 

Mom's brothers were all pretty cool and amazing guys...a dying breed of man from the greatest generation.  Mom was the youngest of 5 kids: Aunt Ann was the oldest, then Sol and George, then came Uncle Max and mom, the babies of the family.  Ann and Sol were both born in Warsaw, Poland and moved to the United States right around the end of WW1...George and the twins were born on US soil.  Ann and mom are the only surviving siblings now, both in Atlanta.  Ann is 95; mom's 84. 

There was no "old money" in my family...in fact, I am guessing that until the 1950s or so there was little money to speak of.  Being the baby child of a baby child, I have never been privy to all the details and history of our family; however, as I am getting older, information continues to unravel little by little.  I do know that their mother, my grandmother, had a very severe form of asthma and at age 39, she died, leaving behind the 5 year old twins and the 3 adolescents.  The older kids were pretty independent by the time my grandfather remarried, adding a step sister to the picture.  Aunt Anita was only 3 years old when she joined the family; mom and Max were 11...aunt Ann was already in her early 20s and had begun her own family here in the south. 

From all accounts, my step grandmother, Anita's mom, was not a very nice woman to her step kids.  My mother, a very impressionable 11 year old girl who probably needed a loving mother the most at this stage of her life, suffered the brunt of her step mom's cold treatment.  From what I hear, one reason of my step-grandmother's "evil step mom" ways could have been that she was unaware of the existence of the twin children...that fact had been hidden from her...until right before she married my grandfather...quite a rude awakening, if you ask me, and while I don't excuse her for being so mean to my mom, I can understand the resentment she may have had to feel tricked into raising not just her own child, but two more.  Family life was far from calm and after a painful adolescence, in 1942, at the age of 17,  mom quit high school, moved to Atlanta to live with Aunt Ann and work as a secretary.  It was a different era, and while mom never finished school, she entered the workplace and developed skills that would later enable her to be the vice president and bookkeeper of her and my dad's business.  Mom was an expert at shorthand and typing, and until I was well into my thirties, I had no idea that she was self taught; if I could, I would award her an honorary high school diploma and maybe even a college degree!

Raised in New York during the depression, children of Polish and Russian immigrants, all the boys went on to serve in the U.S. military during WW2, as well as to be hard working and dedicated family men.   After the war, Uncle George and Uncle Maxie stayed in New York and became electricians, while Uncle Sol headed south and created a life in Atlanta.    According to his own autobiography, Sol was tired of working for others, and in 1955, he and his wife began their own business, a mattress and juvenile products factory, in Atlanta.  Colgate is still a family owned business and a true American success story. 

All men were true examples of self made hard working guys, exemplifying what it meant to practice a strong work ethic, and while they may not have seemed so warm and fuzzy at times on the outside, being their niece, I saw their soft sides on many occasions throughout their lives. Any gruffness was immediately balanced out by their senses of humor and loving hearts...always.



I loved (and still love) all my uncles, however, it is Uncle Sol with whom I was closest.  Uncle Sol and his family lived in the same neighborhood as us, so I grew up going to his house and seeing him pretty regularly.  Unlike my mom, who was pretty anchored to her home and Atlanta, my uncle and his wife (also an Aunt Ann...she passed several years ago), were avid travelers.  So I would frequently go to their house and help them arrange the latest travel pictures in their photo albums, living vicariously through them as I viewed images of foreign lands.  I remember once going to a birthday party at about age 8 or 9 or so...it was one of those pottery places where you get a little ceramic figurine and paint it...and I brought home a little dog figure that I painted brown with blue spots.  I immediately thought of Uncle Sol and his wife to be the recipients of my masterpiece.  For many years, they proudly displayed this ugly little dog on their shelf, along with prized souvenirs and family photos.  Sol and his wife, Ann, had a way of always making me feel special, heard, and loved...and often at times when I needed that kind of affirmation the most.


When I was 16 and somewhat of a "wild child"...and that is putting it mildly...after nearly killing myself and breaking all kinds of bones in my body, my Uncle Sol was more than upset and verbalized this to me.  At the time, I was a bit pissed, to be honest...I thought he was out of line and should mind his own business.  In later years, I grew to be grateful that he cared enough to be concerned and was bold enough to speak up.  When I was 23, I was unmarried and pregnant, and instead of voicing any judgments or disappointments to me, Uncle Sol took on a fatherly role (my dad had passed away when I was 20) and in his generosity, provided me with all sorts of baby necessities for his great-nephew to be.  Crib mattress, pads, etc... When Alex was born, Uncle Sol handed me a plain envelope with a few crisp $100 bills at the bris.  He said very little other than "Here...this may come in handy" or something like that..I don't really remember.  What I do remember is feeling so loved and grateful, overwhelmed with this generosity to the point of tears. Happy tears.  It was years later before I really made the connection of my uncles actions and his patriarchal role, which he took on lovingly and willingly. 

When I received the call a couple of weeks ago from one of my brothers to get mom to the hospital quickly since things looked very grim for Uncle Sol, I was a bit put off.  After all, Uncle Sol, in the past several years, had many medical issues crop up, and to be honest, he was such a trooper, I didn't believe that this was "it".  In fact, to be completely truthful, I'd taken it for granted that my uncle would just be there whenever I wanted.  I'd actually missed out seeing him on many occasions, to my regret, simply by adopting that mentality and not fully realizing the concept that one day I wouldn't have the luxury of just popping over to his place or to a family function to see him.  So, that fateful Wednesday, mom and I canceled our plans and raced to the hospital.  It was to be the last time mom and I saw Uncle Sol. 

When we arrived at my Uncle's room, it was quite a teary and sad scene.  Surrounded by his children, he was barely lucid, yet physically agitated by the CPAP machine he was hooked to, and probably a good deal of pain as well.  My cousins quickly welcomed my brothers and I into his room, and one cousin even stepped aside and allowed me to take my uncle's hand for a few moments.  I've rarely felt so honored to share such an intimate time, albeit sad, with a family member, and the importance of family became even clearer to me in that moment.  During that hour or so that I spent with my family, there were many tears, yet there was also smiles and laughter, as we spoke to uncle Sol and to one another and reminisced about various incidents.  We shared stories ranging from my telling my cousin just how important and special her parents were to me, and how I am still blown away by their love and generosity to Uncle Sol's avid love for poker and his dismal driving skills.  We laughed as we looked around...all of us cousins from our mid 40s to early 60s...and joked about how despite Uncle Sol's crazy driving, somehow we all survived to be able to tell the story that day. 

I left to teach an outdoor yoga class that evening.  Somehow it seemed symbolically perfect when, about two thirds of the way through class, the skies opened up and rain poured down over myself and my 6 students.  No one complained...it was like tears of simultaneous joy and sadness washing us all...and for me...cleansing me a bit of any thoughts that were not serving me in that moment.  Sol died later on that night. 

That Friday morning, in the sweltering Atlanta heat, more than a 100 (I am estimating) friends and family members gathered to share in what was a truly beautiful funeral service.  I thought I knew everything about my Sol, until I heard my cousins share with all of us some true gems about my uncle.  I learned that when he had his factory, there was no aspect of the work that he didn't do, and he commonly was on the factory floor working alongside with the lowest wage earners, never viewing himself as being "above" a job needing done.  I also learned that despite segregation laws in the 1950s south, he refused to have special "whites only" bathrooms at the factory.  He treated everyone equally simply because that was the way it should be.  As I allowed tears to flow and offered a comforting hand on my mother's shoulder, watching her as she watched her last surviving brother be put to rest, I also looked around and saw not just relatives and family friends, but factory workers and their children, some as young as 3 or 4 yrs old, all rallying around to say good bye.  It was evident, that the employees felt a connection to my uncle which went beyond obligation or respect...they were also considered to be extensions of the family. 

I know that it is very common to not really appreciate what we have until it is gone...  Today that is very evident to me. While I didn't see my uncle too much the past few years since he moved to a senior community, I always knew he was fairly close by. That window of opportunity to see him has passed, yet instead of regret, I truly am grateful for the times I did get to see him, as well as for the legacy he left in this world.  Sol's kids, grandkids and great grandkids continue to carry on the tradition of hard work, generosity and love that my uncle instilled on them...not to mention his nephews and nieces and our children who were all lucky enough to be impacted by him.  When Uncle Sol's wife, my Aunt Ann, was quite sick and suffering from advanced alzheimers, Sol, already in his 80s and having his own medical issues, was patient and selfless in his undying love and care for Ann.  His main concern was that he die first and her be scared and alone.  This is the kind of man my uncle was...he put the well being of his family first, before himself, and always worked to make things better for those around him. 

If I had just known Solomon Wolkin without being related to him, I would still be grateful; however, being so lucky as to be his niece and to have the memories and influence of my Uncle Sol in my life makes me truly wealthy indeed.  Rest in peace Uncle.